@murrman5

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

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@ndiquote

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

@envydatropic

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

@VikingJonesy

I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.

It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”

@TheAlexNevil

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

@SteveSuckington

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

@13spencer

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

@writerPT

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

@

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

@smithsara79

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go