[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
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me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Yes, this is exactly right
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.