“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
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Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all