Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
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opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
i could never be president. im overqualified.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.