Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
You Might Also Like
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Perfect.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.