Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
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But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
How to woo a woman
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin