*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
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Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
What a year we’ve had this week.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend