“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
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jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t