taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
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Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob