[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
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Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?