[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
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you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre