[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
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In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.