taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
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They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
BETRAYAL
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right