Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
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How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
my sentiments exactly
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Good morning, Twitter x