Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
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You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
This probably isn’t good
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.