[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
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*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Sounds like a bargain
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.