@abbycohenwl Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
@ThisOneSayz *Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
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@abbycohenwl 
@bartandsoul Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
@kvetchings Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
@The_Sculptress I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
@highprobably1 BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
@Brewsker If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
@ShortSleeveSuit [Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
@generaldietz Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
@daemonic3 [1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
@CatherineLMK I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.