@ThisOneSayz

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

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@abbycohenwl

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

@bartandsoul

Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”

Her:

@kvetchings

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

@The_Sculptress

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

@highprobably1

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

@Brewsker

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

@generaldietz

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

@daemonic3

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

@CatherineLMK

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.