*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

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Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long


Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”



Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”


I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.


BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”


If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.


[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own


Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.


[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”


I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.