Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
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receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
#Caturday