[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
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Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
barbara was highly relatable
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack