[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
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The cats activated the rainbow portal again
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
the three genders
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.