Taking phone security to the next level.
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Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*