[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
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Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon