Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
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“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
had to share :’)
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside