Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
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[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Look at this
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.