Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
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“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Mood.. 😂
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.