Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
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With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.