Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

Sing it!

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.