Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
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“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere