Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
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“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Roses are red, you always mattered,
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
respect
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
