Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
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Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
my bed has four corners
[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe
[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
A bold strategy
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Me: Hot dogs?
[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND