Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

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Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*


Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car


What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that


date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please


ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start


If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.


Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.


A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.


THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise