Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
You Might Also Like
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.