@notfaizzy Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
@trevso_electric Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
You Might Also Like
@notfaizzy 
@KalvinMacleod Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
@StinkyGr33n What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
@TheOneTrueDisco Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
@daemonic3 date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
@jonnysun ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
@UNDEADTRESOR If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
@clindsaysway Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
@QwertyJones3 A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
@ericsshadow THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise