[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
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I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?