[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
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I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.