talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
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wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.