[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
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Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Catercrombie & Fish
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.