[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
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My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?