[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
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I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Not today. 😅
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.