Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
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I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer