[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
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[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
where’s Godzilla when we need him
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst