[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
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Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
We all have our pet causes.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*