[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
You Might Also Like
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.