[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
You Might Also Like
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
No way!
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?