Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
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WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.