Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
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Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
no refunds
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks