Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
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It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
We have a winner.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot