Tammy is short for Tamuel
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I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
mom gave me mine for free
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.