Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
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“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.