Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
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I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight