Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
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What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Hello, my name is Pierre.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.