Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
You Might Also Like
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”