Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
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WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard