Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
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Say no to yes
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.