*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
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I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Me in tagged photos
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Monday Lisa
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭