Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
You Might Also Like
#SuperBowl
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I can’t stop watching this.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄