tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
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I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Oh hi lol
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.