[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
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911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Don’t snitch tag.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah